You're not back yet, and you're being honest about that instead of faking it. That honesty matters more than you know. You don't have to have it figured out, and you don't have to rush. Even standing at the edge, unsure, you are not far from God. He's been waiting at the door this whole time, in no hurry, ready whenever you are. The wanting to find the way back is itself the beginning of the way back.